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The Civil War on Drugs is a full-length movie by the Whitest Kids. A segment of the film concludes each episode of Season 5. The movie is about two stoners (played by Trevor and Sam) who are introduced to marijuana smoking right before the Civil War breaks out, and are convinced that everyone is fighting over weed.
Sam, a homeless dropout, meets up with his more privileged friend Trevor to get wasted and check out the Johnson family's new slave. After a small scene with a very angry Mr. Johnson, they befriend the slave, who introduces himself as Bob. Bob takes the two boys to his place where he introduces them to marijuana smoking and gives them a cannabis plant as a gift.
Trevor and Sam, connoisseurs of cannabis and smoking it every waking hour, fashion a pair of shirts out of a Union flag and wear them around town. A messenger excitedly tells them that Virginia is seceding from the rest of the country and urges them to attend a town meeting.
At the meeting, the town learns that the North are amassing an army on the border and are preparing for war. Suggestions for a new flag are thrown around, and after a very long-winded story from a weird old man, the Union flag is declared illegal.
Right after the meeting ends, Trevor and Sam are passing by outside in their Union flag shirts. The townspeople chase after them, shouting 'that's illegal!' and the boys take it to mean that the weed they're smoking has been outlawed. They find Bob, tell him that cannabis has been banned and that he should get out of town. Bob resolves to use an underground railroad that's been used by slaves before to escape, while Trevor and Sam decide to go and negotiate with the angry townsfolk.
Episode 3 Edit
Trevor and Sam head out to an abandoned building to send a message to all the newpapers about a demonstration in support of marijuana. They send a faulty telegram calling everyone to meet in the "big ass field behind the rock quarry", leading a telegram operator to think his telegram machine is broken. They then head out to the "big ass field behind the rock quarry". On the way, Trevor discovers Sam is homeless and orphaned. When they reach the field they find that battle has broken out (The Battle of Bull Run), and assume that the two sides are fighting over weed.
After the battle, Trevor and Sam meet a young Confederate soldier farewelling each of his dead comrades on the battlefield. Thinking that his commanding officer must be responsible for the whole mess, Trevor and Sam follow him to the Confederate camp, where they meet General Robert E. Lee (whom they call girlbrains). After a few insults, they suggest that the Confederate forces go to Washington and talk with Abraham Lincoln to prevent fighting. Lee agrees and puts them in command of the C company, sending them off on what he knows will be suicide mission as payback for being called girlbrains.
Trevor and Sam meet their C company troops around a campfire. The only real asset to troops, a soldier named Zeke, manages to kill himself during introductions. Trevor encourages everyone to not fight the Union army and instead sit down and negotiate with them. Another soldier - Doug - admits he survived 27 battles by playing dead (and slept in for the 24th).
The next morning, the company are trekking through the countryside when they see two strange horses and later a fellow Confederate soldier. After a very long-winded code exchange, the soldier - who is actually a spy for the Confederate army - tells them that a battle will take place at their very location in about 2 minutes. The company are caught off guard and most of the soldiers (except for Trevor, Sam and Doug, who all play dead) are killed. Later, a photographer/journalist named Bernie Tuppleton arrives at the battlefield and snaps a picture of Trevor and Sam, declaring them 'heroes of the South'.
They get onto the front page of the papers, bringing them to the attention of an angry General Ulysses S. Grant.
After making the papers, Trevor and Sam are the talk of the nation. General Lee sends messengers to order them back in light of their fame.
Meanwhile, the duo (along with Doug) are stuck in the middle of nowhere, debating about which way they're headed. They spot the horses again before trying to set up camp, only to find that their tent has been stained with blood. Realizing that the patterns on the now-dry tent look awesome, all three drag their shirts through the blood puddle, decorating them with the same patterns. All the while, a Union spy looks on.
The two horses reappear and head towards the trio's small camp. The horses are revealed to be a group of 5 messengers who name themselves the Pony Express. They tell the trio that General Lee orders them back, before the whole lot are shot down by Indians. Doug plays dead again; Trevor and Sam, on the other hand, run into bow-wielding Indians.
The Indians take Trevor and Sam back to their settlement, where they meet the tribe's chief. The chief shows them a huge cannabis plantation and invites them to a tribe party. At the party, the duo smoke peyote, which gets them so high they both have a hallucination of being English gentlemen. While they are hallucinating, they (unconsciously) run out of the Indian settlement and into a Union army camp.
Trevor and Sam, who have since come down from an extreme high caused by peyote, realize they have run into a Union camp. The Union soldiers soon realize that they are in fact the Dixie Devils and drop their guns, telling the pair to talk to General Ulysses S. Grant about their demands. After a long conversation with the very drunk Grant, they try to change sides and join the Union but are then held at gunpoint.
Trevor and Sam, now prisoners of the Union army, are tied posts to be executed by a firing squad. General Grant asks if they have any last requests, and Sam says he wants to see a Union soldier (Timmy) get kicked in the head by a mule. The general obliges and the soldier is escorted away. Doug, who had been busted right outside his Confederate camp, is tied next to them and reveals that General Lee is going to attack. They try to warn Grant, but he doesn't believe them.
Doug is executed after he tries to play dead with his stomach excuse. Right before Trevor and Sam are shot, a Union scout interrupts and tells General Grant that the Confederates are actually preparing to strike. The Union soldiers freak out, and Grant tells them to run for their lives. Trevor and Sam then remember about how crazy they became when they smoked the Indians' peyote and come up with a plan. They tell Grant that they have a plan, and he orders all his troops back.
The Confederate army emerges in a field bordered by cannabis plants, where Union officers are hiding. Trevor gives Sam the signal to set the plants on fire, and the smoke wafts over the Confederates. The Union troops launch their attack on a stoned Confederate army, culminating in General Grant punching Lee in the face. After the battle, Lee (on a high) struggles to sign the papers that officially end the war. Elsewhere, the funeral for Trevor's father is held, and Bob pays Mr. Johnson a visit.
Trevor and Sam travel to the White House, where they are congratulated by Abraham Lincoln. Trevor requests, in light of the numerous battles the duo have been through, that weed be legalised again. Lincoln then soundly berates them for believing that the war was fought for marijuana.
Later, when Trevor and Sam are strolling through the forest, the ghost of Doug appears. They conclude that Doug has unfinished business left on Earth, and that they're too high to help him. The film ends with Trevor and Sam shouting about their inability to help the (invisible) ghost Doug.
- Trevor Moore as Trevor, weird old man, Pony Express
- Sam Brown as Sam, bearded man, Pony Express
- Zach Cregger as Ulysses S. Grant, elementary school teacher, town mayor, Confederate soldier/spy, Zeke, Abraham Lincoln, Pony Express
- Timmy Williams as Timmy, Trevor's father, red necksers guy, Bernie Tuppleton, Union spy, Pony Express
- Darren Trumeter as Robert E. Lee, Mr. Johnson, messenger, tough guy with top hat, doctor, Doug, Pony Express
- Jermaine McClure as Bob from Jamaica
- Steve Marcarelli as Steve
- Renzo Rios as The Chief
- Matt McCarthy as Union Soldier
- Filmed in upstate New York. Article
- In Part 7, the dreamcatcher from Season 3 's "Not Particularly Sure " sketch reappears. Prior to that, it showed up in Season 4 's "Barney The Bear ".
- General Grant's booze was really a mixture of honey and apple cider. The puke stains on his uniform were chicken soup.